Guess Who’s Now Selling A “Psychic Vampire Repellent”

Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to go about your period and a clairvoyant vampire starts feeding off your life force? Well, fret no more, Goop has the product for you. For only $30 you can now buy a Psychic Vampire Repellent made by Paper Crane Apothecary. 
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“A spray-able elixir we can all coming in behind, this protective fog use a combination of gem healing and deep aromatic therapeutic petroleums, reported to banish bad vibes( and shield you from the people who may be causing them ). Devotees spray generously around their psyches to safeguard their haloes, ” says the detailed description of the product on the site.

Now frankly, as an Italian, I imagined I knew all about opposing vampires. We are never too far away from garlic, a mirror, or a crucifix. I ever assumed that the copious amounts of garlic in my kitchen would protect me against the risk of being vampires and it’s only now I’m was found that the secret is to spray myself in a mist of “sonically tuned gem elixirs”( their words not mine ).

If you think my sarcasm is a little unfair, let me listing some of the more unusual parts in this concoction. There’s aqua aura, sound waves, and even reiki, the massage technique devoted to people “laying hands” on you, which is probably nice and stress-busting, but it does not cure you of ills and cancers, as it dubiously allegations. Firstly, I’m not sure how reiki can be listed as food ingredients, and secondly, I sometimes manage to spill tea from the teapot, so I truly admire people who can bottle an entire sound wave.

Obviously, most will know Goop for selling a jade egg that can be inserted into the vagina for some incomprehensible and thoroughly medically debunked “benefits”, but it also peddles such items as spacesuit stickers that they are able “rebalance the energy frequency in our body”. As a physicist, that was a pain sentence to type. For NASA, it warranted a statement refuting it.

Goop CEO Gwyneth Paltrow has now been gone after critics who have point out here that all the harmful and non-harmful nonsense that the site peddles. Nonetheless, lately, an advertising watchdog even filed an official complaint against Goop for the all unsubstantiated and deceptive asserts about their products.

So, if you are experiencing an infestation of clairvoyant vampires( or want to ward off vampires psychically, we’re still not sure how this works ), do let us know because we are thinking of launching a line of foil hats. Obviously, they’ll be Italian couture.

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